[Good morning, everybody. Recap of yesterday: Cain killed Abel and there was lots of sex and lots of babies. Also, last night I drew you a (very ridiculous) family tree and when I woke up this morning it occurred to me there wasn’t much reason for it because God wants a do-over and is about to kill them all anyways. Save for Noah who is like the golden child on Earth right now. Let’s watch that fucker build a boat, shall we?]
So, all of God’s humans multiplied and he looked down upon it all and hated them for their “corrupted flesh” and decided the best option was to destroy them all [very merciful and characteristic of a loving God, no?] God went to Noah and informed him to build a boat for he was about to flood this son of a bitch. The boat was to be made of “gopher wood” and be a certain number of “cubits” in length, height and width. Noah was to only load up this fancy boat with himself, his wife, his sons and their wives along with two of every animal. Noah agreed to get his ass out of there and did as he was told and loaded up his boat. After seven days the rain began and did so for forty days and forty nights. So while Noah, his critters and his kin were all cozy in the boat, mass murder was happening outside in water. God’s Flood of Murder lasted for 150 days.
He then remembered “Oh shit, there’s a guy in a boat” and brought forth a wind to clear the waters he had risen up. Only after the tenth month of this adventure did the water recede enough to see the tops of mountains. Noah, instead of braving it his goddamn self, sent forth a dove to see if it was safe to come out. The dove came back after not finding anywhere to land so Noah knew it wasn’t safe and waited another seven days before sending it out again. This time the dove brought back an olive branch but Noah was like “No, screw that” and waited another seven days. The dove did not return on this third attempt. God then spoke to Noah saying it was safe and to go forth and multiply upon the Earth. Noah liked this idea and put on his big boy pants and they all left the boat. He built an altar and offered up charred animals to God as a thanks [did we just have our first barbecue?].
God swore up and down he wouldn’t do something like that again and that all the things on Earth were there to be eaten and ruled over. As a token of God’s “Sorry I Just Killed Everybody” oath he offered a rainbow.
[Congratulations! You won the incest lottery!! No, seriously. Their only options now are to have sex with their wife, daughter, grandmother, sister, aunt, mother or granddaughter (or even a pretty bovine if you’re into that sort of thing), etc. We are the descendents of inbreds. So help me if anybody wants to argue that this was all “symbolism.” Yeah, it’s really easy to play the symbolism card whenever anything even remotely negative shows up in your fairytale. We are left with men having sex with their relatives, a God who just committed mass genocide, a boat and a charred animal altar….oh and a rainbow. Don’t forget the fucking rainbow that somehow makes this all okay. I’m thoroughly disgusted now. I can’t even imagine what tomorrow holds. -Victoria (firstname.lastname@example.org)]